Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
