Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just cropdusted the office
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
