When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to align my fucking chakras
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