i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
