The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
