can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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