im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
