Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
