I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
