Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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