you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
