I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
