We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
