My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
