What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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