fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
