Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
