Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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