she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
