I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
