I am midnight drunk by noon
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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