I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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