i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
