got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
