Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
