Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
