i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
