The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
