I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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