i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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