the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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