So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
