i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
