my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
