I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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