She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
