I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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