My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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