nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
A+ Viking dick
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
