I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
