There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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