Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
