we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
