I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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