I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
