No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
