Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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