Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
