it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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