Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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