24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
